Angela Grout, Author    

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Creative Works

Brad Pitt

Posted by on April 15, 2015 at 4:15 PM Comments comments (39)

Chapter 9

I can't  even imagine how women give birth in a field, or in an airplane bathroom, or even in a bus terminal! How do you labor in public quielty and then just squat down, push a kid out, wrap a blanket around it and go back to picking rice. I couldn't do it.

I really don't even see how you could be comfortable on a toliet in a bus station, nevermind the cleanliness of the environment there, but being your own midwife? I read once where a woman in my town gave birth on her living room floor as she was waiting for the EMTs. There is no way she has labor pains for days, weeks, or months like I did. How the heck did she herself catch the baby? On second thought, I think I remember reading that her four years old son helped her. I suppose he could have gathered the supplies, but seriously, how could she think clearly enough to know what to do?

My girlfried who gave birth without the epidural and who described contractions like a wave, gave herself the mantra of "My body will know what to do." What a great faith she had. I suppose the lady that gave birth on her floor, and the lady in the bus terminal also used that mantra. I tried it for my first daughter, but her labor was over forty hours long.

Yes I said it, forty hours or labor. I did have an epirdural for most of it, however, it was much different than this labor. The pain wasn't intense. I woke up at home three days past my due date, went to the bathroom to pee and coudn't stop peeing. It didn't feel like pee because I had no control. I had been practicing Kegels all pregnancy, but not one Kegel sould stop this flow. 

I took an excercise class for pregnant women and, as one of the closing rituals, she would have us sit in a chair and do Kegels. The instructor's name was Tiger. Tiger would tell us to imagine our vagina as an elevator. We open the doors and move it up to each floor. She said to imagine Brad Pitt getting in, and we needed to take him to the top floor. 

Once we were at the top, we needed to hold him prisoner until we slowly, very slowly descended to the ground florr to open the door and let him out. 

I didn't imagine Brad Pitt, I couldn't even imagine my husband. I did the excercies, but it grossed me out to know all the women might be imagining Brad in their vaginas. This was a New Age twist to an old wives tale of strengthening the Kegel to make for easier labors.

When my water broke at home, I had called the doctor and he told me to head to the hospital. I woke my husband to tell him, and he gathered all the bags. He was a little surprised when he came back in from loading hte car and found me in the shower.

"What are you doing?" he asked, obviously irritated. I explaiend that I had no contracitons and felt great so I wanted to shower and shave and prepare myself for delivery. I planned to beautify myself. This time was diffferent, all right. I just wanted this baby out. 

For my first, as soon as I arrived at the hospital, they helped to get my labor to progress with an IV of Pitocin. After a full day, nothing happened. I had a few minor contractions, but spent most of the day playing cars with my husband, circling the nurses' station around one thousand times, and talkng on the phone to my friends to pass the time. Needless to say, this time is different.

I checked in the hospital on Decemebr 1st for my first, and gave birth to her on December 3rd at 12;10am, after nine hours of pushing. Yes I said that!

I suppose all that pushing has given me a little anxiety about pushing this baby out. I was offered a C-section twice, but my doctor really felt that natural delivery would be best for a quicker recovery and I certainly wanted to enjoy my baby and not be worried about recovering from surgery.  

I have had several surgeries in my life, including a C-section to remove a tumor caused from me eating my twin inthe womb. I was thriteen when that particular tumor was removed. The doctors left me with a big zipper scar which has stopped me from ever becomign a stripper or living in a nudist colony.

That C-Section surgery was very painful to recover from. I held a pillow to my stomach for about three weeks after the surgery, and when I fot the staples out, I passed out. I remember thinking back then, if I had had a baby, how would I even hold it, let alone change it, or anything. I could barely walk without my guts spilling onto the floor..

I'm glad I had natural childbirth. I do remember that as soon as she came intothe world, all the labor pains instantly vanished. Well, except for when my uterus was shrinking back down to size, which they forge tto tell you about in childbirth class. The nurses actuallypush onyour belly so hard that you thinkyour guts will rupture lout line asquished caterpillar. Then for another two weeks, everythime you breastfeed, you uterus will contract andyou will hold your breath. 

I wish I had practiced more breath holding techniques. I have to hold my breath though these contractions, and I am fairly sure that if I don't get air soon,I will pass out. 

"Okay, I'm in" says the technician.

I exhale and actually feel relief as I burp rather loudly. Burp, burp, burp agian, oh my. I guess I'm full of gas. With each burp, I feel my belly add another brick to my crotch. This is the Willy Wonka experience without the fizzy lifitng drink. The pressure on my vagina is heavy. This kid must have a thirty pound bowling ball smashing through my cervix.

"Do you feel any better?" asks Katie.

I access myself, the pressure from my vagina is radiating into my lower back more ferociously than before. The belly band is choking me and I think I have a foot stuck in my rib cage agian. "Ugh, manybe" I say, knowing I don't want to talk much until the cocktail takes effect. "Give me a few minutes."

Within seconds, I feel much better. The pressure is gone. My belly is still hard as a rock and I reallywould like it to relax, but overall I realize I can hold a conversation now.